Caffeine Rush
by I'm having an identity crisis
Summary: Jason has caffeine for the first time. What could go wrong? Crackfic.


Jason's weakness

**In which Jason, aided by Percy, discovers the magical powers of caffeine. This one shot is dedicated to Julia, who unknowingly gave me this idea.**

Okay, so this was brought on by my HOH fanfic, but it can be read as a standalone. I started thinking about why Jason is so "follow the rules, stand in line, Rome knows best, etcetera," and I came up with this. Jason must not have ever had caffeine. Screw logic and reasoning.

**Jason**

Jason didn't even know how the topic had come up, but as soon as the words had slipped out, there was no taking them back.

He was _so_ dead.

"So you're telling me you've never had caffeine before?" Percy looked incredulous. "Man, get out of here."

"I think even _Frank's_ had caffeine." Someone muttered, ignoring Frank's muttering of, "of course I have!"

Great. Even Frank had had it. "Rome has no place for such things." Jason turned his head to the side and failed miserably at trying to look indifferent, instead blushing furiously. The entire crew of the Agro II observed Jason scrutinizingly. Not drinking caffeine didn't make him _that_ much of a social pariah, did it?

"Yeah, but your older sister's _Thalia_. I thought she'd be giving you Monsters the second you turned three." Percy complained. (Apparently, he was wrong about the whole 'social outcast' bit.) "Alright, Jason. This is too good to pass up. Leo?" Leo opened a cooler and handed Percy the red can, which Jason looked upon with terror.

"Nonononononono." Jason said, pushing the air away from his hands as he backed up. "It's not _that _strange."

"Just have some," Piper charmspoke. "Just to say you have."

Jason glared at his girlfriend, who smiled sweetly back at him. "I shouldn't –" he protested, clearly already knowing he was beaten.

Percy held out the can, popping the top. A small _fizz_ noise came out, and Jason's terror was renewed. "No." He said, overriding Piper's charmspeak. "I am a praetor, I need to set an example for my fellow Romans!"

"What you need," Frank gently put his hand on Jason's back, making his jump a mile, "is to relax. You've been tired lately. It'll take the edge off."

"Why does it sound like you're trying to sell me drugs?" Jason asked in fright.

"Don't overthink." Percy offered the drink to Jason once more. "Just do what feels right."

Jason looked around the room at the six other demigods and Coach Hedge (who was watching the game off of some poor mortal's pay-per-view) and back down at the drink. And then again.

"Do it." Piper whispered.

"One time can't hurt." Hazel smiled.

"YOU'RE A SOCIAL OUTCAST IF YOU DON'T!" Leo yelled.

(Jason suddenly had some terrifying flashbacks to health class.)

"Stop trying to sell me – oh, forget it." He said, downing the caffeinated beverage in a single gulp. Everyone held a breath. _One Mississippi, two Mississippi, three Mississippi... Hey, this isn't so ba-_

And then the caffeine rush hit.

His eyes went comically wide, as if he was in a cartoon, and Leo was the first to catch on. "DUCK AND COVER!" He yelled, diving behind a couch. The others followed in a similar fashion.

"WOW!" Jason boomed. "THIS STUFF IS _GREAT_!"

"Maybe if we're very, very quiet, he won't see us." Frank muttered.

He slammed the empty can on the ground, crushing it with childlike glee. "MOREMOREMOREMOREMORE!" He yelled, blurring the words together so fast the came out in one syllable.

"How long will he do this?" Annabeth groaned. "I can't take much more."

"Make it stop," Nico pleaded. "Percy, this wasn't your best idea."

"I kind of figured." Percy looked grim. "He'll stop soon... Probably."

"Or not," Hazel observed, watching Jason, who had taken a newfound pleasure in his aerokinesis and was bouncing across the room, giggling like a madman. "Be _careful_!" She cried to no avail at Jason. He laughed and did a cartwheel in midair, before landing on his face and giggling some more.

"This is the most horrifying thing I have ever seen." Leo whispered, transfixed on Jason.

"ABCDEFGHIJK-OOPS! HI, PIPER!"

Piper sighed. "Hi, Jason."

"I feel GREAT! This stuff is GREAT! My favorite number is EIGHT!" On the last word of each sentence, he'd let go of a blast of air, making the couch, the table, the plates, and ten million other things fall down. Everyone, minus Jason, crawled under the overturned table to shield themselves from the blasts of wind. Jason continued to giggle in a very un-Jason-like fashion. "That rhymed."

"This might have been funny if it weren't so, _so_ terrifying." Percy seemed mildly amused.

"Don't just stand there!" Hazel cried. "We have to help him!"

"How? The guy's like a gigantic kindergartener." He pointed to Jason, who was singing something about a fish running away with a spoon, extremely off-key. "A really strong kindergartener, but a kindergartener."  
Jason began to run around, clapping and laughing like a deranged hyena; all the way up onto the deck. "Oh, no." Piper whispered.

"Oh, yes." Leo replied, fixing his eyes on Percy. "This is _your_ fault!"

"_My_ fault? How is this _my_ fault?"

"_You gave him the can, Seaweed Brain_!" Annabeth hissed. A large _bang_, followed by a suspicious sounding _crash_, sounded from above.

"That was my harmonic damper!" Leo yelled, running upstairs.

"Isn't that a car part?" Frank scratched his head.

"With Leo, you never know." Percy said before bounding up the stairs.

"Let's go, before Jason blows us all to shreds." Annabeth sighed.

Soon, everyone had followed them up. Hazel, the last to come above deck, saw five of the Half-Bloods huddled around Jason, who was snoring softly, and heard Leo over in the engine room, moaning softly about his poor harmonic damper. Frank, Percy, and Nico lifted Jason up, carrying him below and setting him on the couch.

Piper sighed. "Let's never discuss this again. _Ever_."


End file.
